To be brutally honest, the negative mindset I’ve allowed myself to get stuck in is killing me. It’s wearing me down and has robbed me of my ability to cope with the high-stress environment in which I work in my muggle life.
Everything seems like an insurmountable task when I’m feeling negative (or extra negative). It kicks my anxiety right into high gear, from about 10 AM in the morning on weekdays until long after I leave work (regardless of me putting metaphorical fingers in my internal ears and screaming “LALALA I can’t hear you anxiety!”).
I am over it.
I am super over it.
I was over it months ago, when it first started happening, and, shocker, ignoring it and hoping it goes away doesn’t work. You’d think I’d know better by now, after years of working with a counsellor and utilizing cognitive behaviour therapy techniques to manage my anxiety. (Shocker #2 – these things don’t actually work if you slack off and stop doing them because you’re burning out and working to keep your stuff as in check as you can takes time and effort.)
So, I’m trying something new, which I know is going to be really tough, since I’ve struggled with a negative mental track for as long as I can remember:
I’M GOING TO GET OFF MY ASS AND WORK TOWARD CHANGING MY MINDSET
It’s not fair to me or the people that I love to let this negativity poison my life. There are lots of things that I have to be joyful about and, as I said, I am super over letting negativity cause anxiety and stress that taints the rays of light in my life.
So I’m mediating. Actually meditating, not just sitting for two minutes, getting antsy and feeling ridiculous before giving into negative self talk about how ‘hippie and granola’ meditating is. It helps lots of people. There’s science to back it up. So what if it’s hippie and granola if it works? There’s nothing wrong with being hippie and granola anyways, especially when the only person judging me for it is me.
Turns out there’s an app to help me figure out how to do it versus reading a thing, trying to follow instructions that are frustratingly vague, and losing my temper because I feel like I’m doing it wrong (which is, shocker #3, impossible when you don’t actually know what you’re doing).
I know it’s going to be a bumpy ride, because I know me and how resistant I can be to things that hurt/are emotional/building skills that don’t come easily, but I’m so tired, friends. I’m so tried of wandering around with this gross cloud over my head and a frown line between my eyebrows. I’m tired of generally feeling wiped and only having energy on the weekends. I’m tired of allowing this negativity and its by-products invade the wonderful joys that I do have.
Every day is a new chance to fight and a fresh opportunity to create the life I want to live and appreciate the joys that I have, so I’m going to, because this negative haze is, well, pretty bullshit.