I had a post drafted yesterday, in which I was trying to be eloquent and thoughtful with my feelings about bidding a fond farewell to burlesque this weekend.
It was pretty flowery, because that’s what I tend to fall back on when I’m trying to find the right way to phrase difficult feelings. I tend to feel like if I overdo it on the language, expressing hurt and grief won’t be so difficult.
I’m wrong, but that’s what I think.
When I stopped performing burlesque last fall, I kind of ended my five year journey with a whole lot of radio silence. I was grateful to have shared what I had considered my last performance with two amazing, dynamic, creative, and gifted women that I hold very dear (the Real Green Fairy and Lady Maefyre), but there was always a lingering feeling of having left that journey unfinished, because of the abruptness with which I decided to walk away. Having ‘noped out’ of burlesque left me feeling like I had done the art, the experiences, and the friendships that burlesque had gifted me with a disservice.
Thanks to Green, Mae, and the gracious organizers of NSFCon, I had the opportunity to resolve my unfinished business this past weekend. I was fortunate enough to step out on stage twice, once as a solo performer and once with Green and Mae to reprise our group skit from last fall. I poured my energy into my ‘last ride’ for the thirteen some minutes-ish that I spent on stage and, when I was finished, I finally felt like I’d given burlesque performance a proper send off.
I don’t have the right words to express how grateful I am to have had the opportunity or how much it means that I got to share it not only with Green and Mae, as co-performers, both during our practice time, our pre-show Ramen night, and on stage, but also with Roma Antics, who’s been right beside me on every step along the great glitter road. I can’t properly capture how much it means to me that, when I asked if I could also perform solo, Arabella Allure said yes. I’m so very glad that I got to share the pieces I did with the audience, my friends, the other phenomenal performers that took part in NSFCon’s show, and my family.
I cried when I was getting ready and when I got home afterwards. Happy tears and mourning tears together, because I felt joy that I could share the night with such wonderful people and for the opportunities and because I felt like I was ready to let go and letting go in a way that was authentic and healthy for me.
For anyone involved in last Saturday’s show, thank you from the very bottom of my heart for helping me say goodbye to the art of burlesque in a fitting, meaningful, joyous way. I’m going to hold NSFCon’s show in my heart and treasure it always.