In February, I started taking photos of my outfits and posting them on Instagram. It started out as a self-love thing, to combat some pretty awful, gnarly feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, and anxiety brought about by the big work change I went through in January (tldr: I worked at the same firm for 7 1/2 years, then moved firms with my boss and had/am having a difficult time with the new/different role I have, leading me to doubt my capabilities). I thought if I showed myself a little love every day by taking a photo in clothes I liked (most of the time), that usually celebrated my nerdity, I’d be better equipped to tell the douchey jerk voice in my head to kindly shut the f*ck up.
It worked, sort of. I say sort of because I don’t want to downplay the impact that powerlifting has had on my self esteem (feeling physically strong has helped so much in making me feel mentally and emotionally stronger) and or the impact that finding a new counseling/going back to therapy has had (we’re peeling back the layers to find and address the foundation of said self-doubt and anxiety). Now I just put the pictures up because I like to. It’s less self love and more fun. Even when I wear the same outfit (which I do, practically once a week, and I’m talking about my floral dress/orange cardi combo here) or am sharing an outfit on a day when I don’t feel anywhere near awesome, it’s a fun little thing I do for myself five days a week.
Lately, though, I’ve been getting comments from bots and pay-for-followers Insta accounts. As flattered as I was the first time one of these accounts reached out, before I realized it was a “pay a fee to be featured” account, it doesn’t make me feel good. I’m not doing it to become an ‘influencer’ or a fashion blogger. I just wanna do my thing, share my thing, and maybe (maybe) connect with fellow nerds about how we express ourselves covertly (or overtly) in a world that’s always seemed inclined to tell us to tone it down.
I’m over toning it down. I’m over ‘try[ing] not to get too excited’. I’m over being ‘too much’. There is a need to go overboard. I’m not here to ‘chill out a little’ when I love a thing. I’m probably going to tell you about it and why I love, at length, until your eyes glaze over, because that’s basically just how I have rolled my whole life. Thanks in advance for listening, friends!
Side Note, Speaking of Stuff I Love: If you haven’t checked out the video for Delta Rae’s “Do You Ever Dream?”, you should head on over to Youtube right now to watch it. ❤